i know this is my blog/site and i can post whatever i want but im starting to get a little self concious about constantly posting about how miserable i am. it can be so draining but i want a outlet.
despite this i just want to mention that my halloween plans are back on!(some of them are)
i will be going to a halloween party next weekend, which means i have to finish my costume by friday. it'll be hard but i need to distract myself from all the things that have been bothering me this week!!
speaking of which - this week has just felt very.... misogynoiristic. men seem to want to fucking fight me or start some shit or something i dont know but its making me feel very unsafe and sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SORRY FOR BEING A NEGATIVE NANCY!!!!
it started on tuesday, this guy was just expecting me to just
immediately get up and move so he could sit in the row... instead he just stood over me and kept clearing his throat. i look up at him waiting for him to say something but he never did and then starts telling people that i was rude and made sure i could hear him telling people this?????
i've also had to deal with men everyday since wednesday just shoving me, staring at me angrily after they try provoking me (like shoving), and just being disrespectful when im trying to be polite and nice because i dont see the need in being rude to people i dont know.
i also want to write something about bias, preconceptions, the misogynistic lie of the "resting bitch face" and how it is amplified when you are marginalised on multiple axis.
im at my wits end tbqh, i tend to get treated like this often - in terms of hostility and people seemingly trying to start something, and i try to brush it off but because the same thing has been happening DAYS IN A ROW im very confused and im starting to lose it. i thought maybe at first i was just overreacting and i know i am basically saying people hate me for no reason but there is another rise in fascism right now, especially in the UK. people are getting alot more bold with their bigotry so it cannot be that hard to believe that some people really just hate me for existing as a black femme.
probably going to cry myself to sleep now lol. atleast i have other things to look forward to and focus on.
i will end this with a song i was listening to as i was typing this out.
MAYDAY - THE GO! TEAM
a relevant song methinks - PEOPLE HATE ME - TRIBE 8
15/10/2025
returning here again out of frustration
not much has happened or changed since the last time i posted/updated this site.
im still working on the halloween page but ive been crazy depressed lately. like on the verge of suicide depressed so i havent had much energy to do stuff apart from indulge in my slipknot hyperfixation (its not a new one, its just been reignited) - i've been reading corey taylor's books, old magazine articles and have been checking out so many old slipknot fanpages. i still need to work on this slipknot shrine!!! UGH, and order takeout every day because i have no energy to cook or do the dishes.
have been finding it hard to listen to anything that isnt doom, black or sludge metal right now. acid bath and windhand in particular.
im slowly getting out of the rut and making more of an effort to see my friends. mainly because now theyre all free/no longer studying and have alot more time to hang. which is a bit of a shame because of course they all have free time when im now in school and need to look for a job so i can find a suitable home without worrying too much about finances... its all out of our control anyway. it doesnt matter.
also dont think im going to celebrate halloween this year. i dont know. this is the first time ive ever been invited to a halloween party, and i dont want to go! it all really depends on how im feeling.
had a really bad cinema experience last week (it was to see ONE BATTLE AFTER ANOTHER). im going to the cinema tomorrow. i hope its better than the last time.
songs ive been listening to on a loop:
ACID BATH - TOUBABO KOOMI
WINDHAND - ORCHARD
HELLO AGAIN! ITS FUCKING OCTOBER!!!
3/10/2025
ITS BEEN A LONG TIME HUH? alot has happened since august, so much so i couldnt code for the entire month of september. October is my month though. I love halloween.
i am still pretty tired and i'm still trying to get on my feet properly but i can atleast say i've start my master's degree course!! I'm studying film and screen media. I'm also very close to being able to move out. i've sold most of my furniture so i'm bascially stuck at my grandma's house but its ok.
tons of pages need to be finished/updated. hopefully inbetween the reading i have to do for class i will be able to get to work on those.
i don't know what else to bring up really. i do want to talk about the stuff i've been into again lately.
I FUCKING LOVE metal bands that arent actually nu metal but were lumped in with the otherr acts because they rose to fame post 1998. I'm talking SLIPKNOT, MUDVAYNE, NOTHINGFACE, SEVENDUST, OTEP, FUCK, EVEN KITTIE! (ok opeth and kittie's first album ARE nu metal but none of these bands were full blown rap rock. i think i need to admit i just like Nu Metal)
more on SLIPKNOT but i was working on a shrine for the band, but my perfectionism is making me avoid working on it. i start coding then i get anxious and stop. ive been trying to do this for 2 weeks. im going to try and just MAKE myself do it. i need it to exist first!
i have finally gotten around to watching METALOCALYPSE. its fuch a funny show and i have always loved the music from the show.
i need to work on a page for all my halloween costumes over the years. i'm hoping to do a costume this year but i am rlly worn out rn and the thought of sewing or hot gluing shit together is upsetting me...
here! some images
slipknot (iowa era) and mudvayne (b4 they removed the makeup, dw they returned to this in 2025)! i love bands that wear masks/wear makeup
BIRTHDAY DETHDAY - DETHKLOK
BE WARNED - this music video has a horrible amount of flashing images!!!! its best to listen to this with another tab open. this has been a favourite for a few years for me.
