i love it when people label the angry version of yourself as the "real you" its such bullshit.

20/4/2026

ok so, 2 weeks ago i had to cuss out my father (im disowning him tho so hes just some guy) because he was harrassing my brothers over a lie. he is a abuser and he clearly gets a kick out of pissing everybody off.

this man abused my mother into the ground and to the grave. and he is still trying to "get back at her" when she's literally fucking dead by trying to upset my siblings and i

i wont get into it because its very triggering stuff but i had to cuss him out and i got very loud. my grandmas neighbours heard (of course, i was outside).

it has made one neighbour who has never liked me justify her hate for me and try to talk about me to my other family members? like excuse me??? who are you??

anyways i just think its interesting that anger is always seen as somebody's true self and kindness is labelled as fake. like no. im nice to people who dont overstep my boundaries, verbally abuse me and disrespect my family members!! its called being a human being.
whatever, its not my problem because this particular neighbour had a very strange relationship with my nana, like she wished my nana was her mother or something and she would always pick on me when i was helping my grandma do stuff, pointing out that she should be the one to help my grandma and not her fucking grandchild?????

another thing i want to mention is this stupid pressure i'm feeling when it comes to telling people/letting them know my nana has passed away.

my grandma's neighbours are really nosy and annoying and i know theyre going to ask really invasive questions that will piss me off. her death is still fresh!! but i think getting it out of the way will elevate this pressure im feeling. idk.

the weird thing about grieving

16/04/2026

my grandma passed away on April 12th. I knew it was coming. I had a feeling she was when the hospital called me at 8pm that night. They were trying to get a hold of my uncle but they had my number down for him. i wish i had pushed him more to tell me what happened. I asked him via text and he did not respond. I found out the morning after on the 13th when my other uncle called me to tell me the news. i was so frustated. yes i cried but i was so so so angry. angry at my family's denial about her condition before and after she was in the hospital.
I will say that Im trying to hold on. ive had to ask for a deadline extention for my assignments and i'm trying to sort out my accommodation (i have to leave my grandma's place soon). but one thing i have noticed about me when i grieve is that... i hate eating???
i feel so much guilt when i have to eat. like my heart beats fast and i find it hard to breathe. I'm also struggling to cook in my grandma's kitchen. idk im trying not to starve myself. but i cant keep eating sandwiches and burgers because it means i can avoid cooking....

unpopular opinion (sims edition)

29/3/2026

have had the opportunity to play the sims for a weekend now and its so unsatisfying? This isnt even my first time playing it? ive been playing this game for about 3 years and i loved it the first time...

maybe its because i had a era appropiate computer (one that ran windows XP) so it felt right playing with it but its just not fun playing on my modern PC.

i also HATEEEE sims 2 CAS/Create-A-Sim. i know it came out in 2004 but I miss the freedom and versatility of sims 4 CAS. (the sims 4 was my first sims game looolll). you really can make anyone with barely any restrictions and i think the sims 4 has one of the better CAS. the sims 4 has the best build mode. sorry.

i'm starting to miss the sims 4. sometimes i feel like the older sims games getting so much praise is due to nostalgia. dont get me wrong, the actual gameplay is incredible! and the sims 4 made me a very lazy simmer - constantly using MCCC and UI Cheats has made me a bad sims player but i kind of like that the sims 4 allows me to be lazy.

the sims 2 has so many bugs and glitches. i cant have a home business because it fucks my game and makes every NPC come to my house at once, non stop. idk i think i need to fix my sims 2 game properly and get the right mods (i have so many tho im getting scared) so i can play properly.

i prefer the sims 4.... even though its not the better game, i just like it more!!!!!! (currently cant play it because the game is broken, and you cant play the game with ANY CC which is a requirement for the sims 4 unfortunately. so im waiting for the patch)

anyways, sims i made in the sims 2 that i have yet to play with because nothing feels *right* yet. (they're girlfriends. lesbians)

ive had to make the last sim like 4 times because im never satisified with how she looks ://

family update + why going out feels so hard - but im still trying to

28/3/2026

on the 26th of march my grandma was offically put on end of life care. we dont know how long she has left though. i knew this day would come. i wont get into it too much because its stressful to think about, but its the main reason why im finding it so hard to go out and do anything for my own leisure during all of this. mainly because, whenever i would try to go out or even play a video game i would get news of a escalation with my grandma and i'd have to drop it.

the exact same thing happened to me on thursday, but i had to force my to go and not sit around moping all night.

i will make a seperate post about my outing. i dont think it would be appropriate to on this post. (it will go below this one)

there is alot more to come from this. im just trying not to go insane. 2 maternal figures that i was close to are dying/have died. im so tired....

STAR TREK LATE (my first outing in a very long time)

28/3/2026

i made friends, really good friends, and i had a really good time!!

the day i was told my grandma was going into end of life i had already planned to attend this event. i had to go out just so i could distract myself.

for the 60th anniversary of STAR TREK, the science museum was holding a late night event for trekkies. it felt like a convention, it felt really warm and nice.

months ago i was yearning to go to a space where people are authentically themselves, you dont feel judged, and people are just nice, bonding over our interests with no fear. that is exactly what i got when i went.

im actually pretty tired rn and cant be bothered to write too much but i got a photo in the captains chair! there was a cosplay catwalk! i went to a lecture on pets in star trek! there were craft tables! display cases with original costumes and props! it was great.

TRIBBLES! me in the captain's chair! and snaps from the star trek pet lecture!