my lack of motivation and "laziness" is getting to me
3/8/2025
not sure if i've mentioned on here that i was considering doing a master's degree but that was my plan for a while.
the truth is, i have not had the fucking energy to make my portfolio. i haven't been doing well mentally and i've had to force myself to stay busy i just dont have the energy to work on it.
its also one of those things i would procrastinate alot over. the minute i open blender, phoenix code or anything else i need for my portfolio i get anxious, i start to think my work isnt good enough and then i dont work on it.
i have finally got the energy to code and work on stuff for myself again and all the applications are closed!!!
but here is the thing. my heart wasnt in it. i did not really want to go university to get a masters degree. i only got the thought because i have all these eyes on me, telling me i was stupid for persuing a career in the arts and thought going back to school would:
- give me something to do
- stop the perception that i am a failure, in myself and to others when they ask me what my plan is or why it's taking me so long to get where i want to be.
i'm not qualified enough to get a job in the industry at the moment, and i am too depressed, angry and scared to make anything of my own. i am creatively drained right now. i can't write. i can't think of anything to make im just a mess of skills i am competant at. im not even good at anything.
now i'm freaking out because i still haven't been able to get a job and i have all these eyes and opinions directed at me, insisting i divert from the arts and go into AI or project management or whatever.
i know its not the end of the world. i still have the chance to apply to university super early, in sepetember, when i can properly sort myself out instead of trying to find a quick and fast solution to my problems. i need patience and drive. i need to network more.
i have already accepted that i am someone who is a little slow. i always need time to catch up to everybody else. i have never been ahead and it just takes me a while for me to get to where i need to.
i don't actually take the advice i get from family telling me to change my career options but its still fukcing annoying to hear. all the fucking time. as if this isn't just a shitty time to be someone who is looking for work.
idk im just annoyed at myself rn. i just wish everybody would leave me alone. i hate that i cant stay at home and go at my own pace. constantly being around people who think you're an idiot for following your dreams meaning i have to force myself to do things i dont really want to do/i cant focus on my main interests so i am consistently left behind because all my energy is drained.
sprry for the typos i think its my trademark now. who cares.